An Inspirational Present

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone! I hope you're doing well and relaxing a bit before heading back to work or school. Tonight I wanted to share a present I received. A few days ago I knew what the majority of my presents were simply because I'm good at guessing. When I thought I was done unwrapping I found two small packages. I opened them and when I saw what was inside tears formed in my eyes but I quickly wiped them away. The first box held a beautiful silver bracelet with a heart charm. Engraved on it was the word "Stop". The other box held a black bracelet with small beads and a heart charm that says "You don't have to". These are two things I would write on the rubber bands I wore to distract me from my self injury. What I loved the most was that my parents remembered how important those rubber bands were to me. Now I have two beautiful long lasting reminders to help me get through some of the tough moments I face. It won't cure me of it but it'll help me get there. Please have a safe and healthy holiday. Think not only of yourself but others. Give to those in need. Comfort those in distress. And spend time with those you love and care for.

It's okay to not be ready

Recently I've noticed something about my self injury. Not only am I doing it more and more but I'm struggling with whether or not I'm ready to stop. I understand it's unsafe, unhealthy, and not a great way to cope with emotions. I find something within self injury and within my bipolar disorder. I've become so used to bad moods, self injury, isolation, and panic attacks that it brings a sense of familiarity. As humans we naturally turn towards what is familiar to us, things we can trust. I know self injury will give me some form of relief and without it I have an intense fear of losing control, of feeling good and then sabotaging myself.
Today during therapy my doctor told me that from what he's seen of me lately, I'm not ready to stop. Until I'm ready I need to stop trying to cover things up by lying to myself and others that I'm stopping. I know I need to stop but at the moment I'm not ready to want to stop but in all honesty I'd rather feel that way instead of living in a false reality. I'm not in any way encouraging "not stopping", I am however encouraging those who self injure to not lie to themselves.

A Reason To Stop

I've found a new reason to stop. Recently I've started talking to a new "friend". One day it might be a relationship but right now it's a friendship that I don't want to break. He knows I'm bipolar and he knows that I'm working on stopping my self injury. When I told him about the self injury I told him it wasn't a big deal and that I'm trying to stop. His reaction was not one I've come across before. He immediately said "This is a very big deal but thank you for not sugar coating it". He explained to me that he had bad experiences with friends who self injured but that he also didn't understand self injury. I gave him a quick crash course in what it meant to me and what my situation is. He was rather upset with the fact that I do it but he was happy that I'm aware of the fact that its not a good thing to do and that I'm stopping. So I've decided that if I want to keep a friendship or relationship with this person I'm going to have to work really hard to stop cutting.

I know this is a pretty specific situation but I know a lot of people have probably had a somewhat similar problem. When you meet new people, spilling your guts usually isn't the best hello you can give them. I took my time in telling him so I wouldn't scare him away, but I had to tell him before he found out on his own. My best advice is, if the person cares about you in any way they will accept the fact that you have a mental disorder or that you self injure but only tell them when you're ready. You have to be comfortable with yourself before being comfortable with someone else.

Relying on others

When we find people who we can easily talk to about our problems especially self injury it's easy to rely on them a little too much. Asking them for help and support is a great thing to do but be sure to step back and ask yourself if you're putting too much pressure on them. I've been the other person before and I know what it feels like to have a lot on your shoulders. Friends and family want to help you but try to work through the little things on your own and when things get tough ask for help. It's good practice to get you used to solving your problems on your own. Just remember to think of the other person and how much weight is on their shoulders, you don't want them to be stressed or to worry about you. I'm in this situation at the moment with a couple friends and I realized what I was doing and I stopped myself and worked through my issue on my own. Don't be afraid to ask for support that's one of my big rules, if you need someone then go for it. But if it's something you think you can work out on your own then give it a shot, its worth trying.

Too much time on your hands

While we are often loaded with work, meetings, endless tasks we do sometimes find a gap where we have little or nothing to do. Right now I'm sitting in my room staring at a computer with internet tabs open to Facebook, my email, and Blogger. I've checked all three about 30 times each in the past 20 minutes. Why? Because I have no work to do. Meetings are done, advising for my spring schedule was earlier, I have no homework, and my presentation is finished. For the average self injurer free time can be both good and bad. Good because you have time to relax, catch up on your favorite tv show, or read a book. Bad because having free time can give you time to engage in whatever form of self injury you do. Everyone says, distract yourself and you'll be fine. Well honestly that only works for some people and I understand that friends and family are just trying to help but it takes a little more than distractions for some of us. It is true that playing a game of cards, challenging yourself to sudoku, or watching tv can help because I know from experience that it can. If you have a friend or some family nearby and you want to hang out with them or talk with them then go for it! For those of us who need a little extra push to stay away from our "habit" it can help to tell someone what you're thinking. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to be with them face to face but even a text or a message on Facebook or a phone call to a friend. What I do is say "Hey I'm having a bad night I don't have anything to do and I want to cut". Straight forward, don't tip toe around the topic. I only say this to someone who knows me very well and won't freak out and call 911. One of my friends always knows how to talk to me and it doesn't take much. The point of this is to have someone else be aware of whats going on. This sort of puts a little note in the back of your mind saying "You're not alone in this moment, someone is right there with you and you don't want to let them down" Call it a positive guilt trip. They're not telling you do it for them but part of me always knows that the other person is sort of involved now and that I'm not alone. It's a little confusing but when the time comes to try it you'll understand what I mean

TWLOHA

I think most people have heard of this organization To Write Love On Her Arms created to spread awareness for self injury, mental illness, addiction, and suicide. Sometimes when I'm having a bad night I go on youtube and find the "story" that inspired TWLOHA narrated by founder Jamie. This organization was created to tell a story of a friend suffering from addiction and self injury. When a rehab center labeled her too great a risk at the time of admittance a group of friends held a 5 day detox for her in the safety of their arms. They took her to concerts, a basketball game, treated her like a princess. She went to rehab and to support her while she was there her friends made tee shirts and sold them at concerts. TWLOHA is now known all over the world and is supported by musicians and actors everywhere. They offer support and resources on their website and they speak at colleges and events worldwide. I find a sense of comfort when I read the blog they offer and when I watch the interviews they post. I highly recommend visiting their website or buying a tee shirt. This is the story that started it all.

Write It Down

It's never easy for me to pin point my triggers. Sometimes it's easier to say I don't know but that doesn't help you in the long run. Instead, I find it helpful to write it down. Whether you're having a panic attack, an episode of self injury, mood swings, or anxiety you should write down what happened can be a big help in finding your triggers. Documenting the details of before, during, and after your episode on a daily basis or however often they occur can help you identify your triggers.
After writing down a few details from my episodes I was able to see that some of my triggers for self injury are stress and being alone for long periods of time. Now when I feel myself getting stressed I can try to stop myself before I turn to self injury. When I know I'm going to be alone I try to arrange to go home for the weekend or see my friends for a night. It takes time to find your triggers so give it a chance to work and you'll be surprised.
You can record your information in a notebook or online at https://www.facingus.org/ it's a really great site I use it all the time. One of my professors showed it to me and I highly recommend it to everyone.

Comfort Zones

This weekend is my brothers birthday so the two of us went to New Hampshire to visit my sister and brother in law. We went to dinner and out to the bars and it was a nice break from life. I ran into a problem with what to wear because my arms are the main issue with my self injury. I wanted to wear something with short sleeves but that would be stepping out of my comfort zone. I struggled with the decision for a while and settled on short sleeves. Why? Because I'm in the company of three people who love me and accept me. I wouldn't always make this choice but with people I trust I know I can be comfortable. Sometimes covering up is the better option but when you can catch a break savor the opportunity. We all need to step out of our comfort zones now and then even if its hard to do. Start with small things and work your way up to bigger and better things.

Building Relationships Pt. 1

When you self injure it can often be hard to build relationships for a number of reasons but it's okay. Whether you're getting into a boyfriend/girlfriend situation it can feel overwhelming to build a relationship with them. Everyone worries that their secret will get out and you won't know how the other person will react. Once they find out another question opens up, will this person be able to stick with me. From my own experiences I've learned a lot. I'm usually far too upfront with the other person, it's not intentional but my theory has always been to get everything out there and if the person sill wants to hang around they're okay. However sometimes you can meet a "fixer", a person who wants to be able to fix you're situation. I have before and it caused more stress for me than anything. Where we ran into the problem was when I would be having an episode and he would tell me that he understood and that it was okay. The problem was that he didn't understand and I wasn't okay. Some people like having someone like this and that's okay but in my own life this hasn't been a good choice.
Another problem I've had is that because I'm very unpredictable with my mood and during episodes of self injury where I don't think before my actions I often times tell the person I don't want to see them anymore and then I cut off all communication with that person. Now I understand that isn't a good choice and it's incredibly unfair to that person but it's how I've always dealt with it. I can't blame it all on mental health but I can say that having any mental health problems of any kind or severity can make it hard to have a solid relationship with other people because they don't know how you're going to feel about them the next day. So these are some tips to help out...

- Be honest
- Only tell them about your SI or mental health  problems when you're ready
- If you feel like they are crowding you or trying to "fix" you then say something and let them know to back off a bit.
- Focus on the good things (how much fun you have with them, how they make you feel)
- Don't focus on the little things that are wrong about them
- If you think you're going to not think rationally (break up with them in an instant, saying something you'll regret) stop yourself and wait until the moment passes.

Pt 2 will be posted once I think about it some more

One easy to use tool

If you're trying to stop or ease up on your self injury this is one quick, cheap, and easy to use tool. I don't know how many times I've been told by doctors to snap a rubber band on my wrist when I want to cut. I've done the rubber band trick a million times and if you give it some time you'll probably find that you're self injuring less even if it's only a little less. I however took it a step further and started writing on the rubber band so I can look at it for a little boost of support. If you want to try simply find a rubber band wide enough to write on. Take a pen or a very fine point sharpie and write something that will help keep you from self injuring. Mine says Don't Cut and on the other side it says YOU DON'T NEED IT (in all caps to get my point across to myself) because generally my excuse has always been "But I feel like I need it" when in reality that's not true. So now if I get the urge to do I simply look at my wrist and read what I wrote and then snap away. It gives just enough feeling with no marks or scars to worry about. It sort of takes self injury down a notch. This doesn't cure you of it but it's a step in the right direction.

A Tip for College

I'm in my junior year of college and there is nothing worse than feeling guilt over missing a class. The truth is, if you're not feeling well and you know you won't be comfortable in class then don't go. Email your professor and tell them you're no feeling well. That's enough for an explanation. I get terrible anxiety in the morning before class especially this morning combined with being overly tired. I think of everything I need to get caught up, tests I need to study for, meetings I have to go to, and it causes a lot of stress. Often times bad days follow a bad night usually with some form of self injury that sort of gets my anxiety going before bed and it follows me to the next day. Sometimes I can barely sit through a lecture and I will have to leave class to walk around outside for a few minutes. Other times my medications make it impossible to sit through a lecture without falling asleep on my desk. If I know I am too tired to function in the morning I don't go to class and usually this only happens when I take my medications late  the night before. I know other students go through this because I know people at my school that struggle with it. If you can afford to miss class, so you're not missing a test or a study group etc... then take a day or a few hours to yourself. Sleep, get caught up on work you're stressed over, do something to calm you down. The only way you will feel good is to spend some time on you  even if its only a couple extra hours of sleep or a hot shower. It's important for you to feel comfortable not anyone else

Tonights Example

I'm in the middle of an example to share with everyone. All day I've had the urge to self injure and at night is when things get really tough because I'm alone (usually) and my mind is sort of winding down for the night. While I get ready for bed the urge builds up and typically I would give in but tonight is different. As soon as I was about to do it I texted a friend from home. I didn't sugarcoat what I was feeling I just said it...

Me: I want to cut, it's been building up all day.
Friend: You've been so good lately.
Me: I know.
Friend: You don't need it. You know this.

His reaction was one of the few I can tolerate. What I mean by this is, often times when you approach someone in search of support they have a tendency to answer with things like "just don't do it" "you're hurting the people around you" "you're okay".  Sometimes this is because they don't fully understand and that's okay. You need to find a person you know well who you know will not talk down to you who will not judge you. Everyone has these people in their lives you just have to look. Take the time to find someone you can trust and approach them. Simply  ask them if you can call or message them any time anywhere for support. I have a handful of friends from school and from home who I can always count on. It's an amazing feeling to be in a bad mood one minute and then a great mood the next just because someone helped you through it. In my case tonight I can trust this friend, he has never talked down to me or made me feel guilty. He first reminded me of how good I've been doing which gives me a little hope that I can do it. Secondly he reminded me that I don't need it. I may want it but I don't need it. This approach is better than simply saying stop doing it. He is there for me 24/7 and I can easily tell him whats wrong. I don't approach all of my friends this way or my family. But for that select few if I tell them right away whats wrong to make it clear that I need support that is sometimes one of the best methods. Don't be afraid to speak up to someone you trust. Don't think you're bothering them or making them worry. If they care about you they won't mind you reaching out to them.

Introduction: My Story

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” ~Mary Anne Radmacher~

I began studying self injury because it is something I have dealt with for five years. I've struggled with mood problems ever since I was 5 years old. I had social anxiety, tantrums, and depression.When I was 16 I began cutting and scratching but after a few months I stopped out of fear that someone would find out. At 17 my mood spun out of control and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the self injury increased dramatically. I hide under long sleeves until I was eventually discovered and while my family and friends wanted me to stop I couldn't. It was something I had control over and I felt as if I needed it. My biggest mistake was that I didn't make an effort early enough. I have a very supportive family as well as supportive friends and they all offered to help in some way or another. I had the resources to help me stop but a fear of judgement has always caught me before I could even attempt to get better. Once I realized that the only person judging me was myself I was able to take baby steps in getting help. I've had doctors tell me what I should be doing and family telling me they hope I feel better and teachers who have gone above and beyond to help me. And yet with all of this support there are still days where I struggle to get out of bed, to do my homework, to talk to my friends, but I remind myself that there are good days and bad days and that's it's okay to have a bad day everyone has them.

I do cut. I have stopped and I have started again many times. Not a day goes by where I wish I had never picked up those scissors five years ago but the reality is that I did pick up those scissors and I did create this incredibly difficult part of my life. However I know it's not impossible to get through it. I'm still at the awkward phase between not ready to stop and ready to stop but with this blog maybe something will be a game changer for me and for others going through this phase. I'll be sharing some tips and ideas I've come across that will hopefully be beneficial to others. Overcoming self injury is a learning process and you need to try and fail a few times to really get the hang of it.

-Emily

How This Blog Came To Be

Last winter I was taking a class at my college and we were asked to create a blog as an ethnography. My idea was to observe a Facebook page about self injury and interview page members about their experiences. The blog focused mainly on the effects of self injury on the body and the mind and I ended it with a final conclusion in May 2012. I never thought I would eventually have over 14,000 views on a project that only lasted a few months. I have no way of telling if it helped people or not, my goal was to be as informative as possible and I never had any intentions of people other than my class reading my posts. I do however know that some of the content may have been triggering because even for me it was at times hard to discuss.

This blog is different. From my own experiences I know that self injury is not an easy thing to overcome however I have learned ways to help me cope and safer alternatives. There is no one answer that will lead you to recovery and nothing happens overnight. By looking at other peoples experiences as well as my own we can find ways to help those struggling with self injury find healthy alternatives and forms of coping. Not everyone is ready to stop but even then there are small steps you can take to help you feel better day by day. I hope this blog will help those who need it and will provide a space where people can help one another.

-Emily