An Inspirational Present

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone! I hope you're doing well and relaxing a bit before heading back to work or school. Tonight I wanted to share a present I received. A few days ago I knew what the majority of my presents were simply because I'm good at guessing. When I thought I was done unwrapping I found two small packages. I opened them and when I saw what was inside tears formed in my eyes but I quickly wiped them away. The first box held a beautiful silver bracelet with a heart charm. Engraved on it was the word "Stop". The other box held a black bracelet with small beads and a heart charm that says "You don't have to". These are two things I would write on the rubber bands I wore to distract me from my self injury. What I loved the most was that my parents remembered how important those rubber bands were to me. Now I have two beautiful long lasting reminders to help me get through some of the tough moments I face. It won't cure me of it but it'll help me get there. Please have a safe and healthy holiday. Think not only of yourself but others. Give to those in need. Comfort those in distress. And spend time with those you love and care for.

It's okay to not be ready

Recently I've noticed something about my self injury. Not only am I doing it more and more but I'm struggling with whether or not I'm ready to stop. I understand it's unsafe, unhealthy, and not a great way to cope with emotions. I find something within self injury and within my bipolar disorder. I've become so used to bad moods, self injury, isolation, and panic attacks that it brings a sense of familiarity. As humans we naturally turn towards what is familiar to us, things we can trust. I know self injury will give me some form of relief and without it I have an intense fear of losing control, of feeling good and then sabotaging myself.
Today during therapy my doctor told me that from what he's seen of me lately, I'm not ready to stop. Until I'm ready I need to stop trying to cover things up by lying to myself and others that I'm stopping. I know I need to stop but at the moment I'm not ready to want to stop but in all honesty I'd rather feel that way instead of living in a false reality. I'm not in any way encouraging "not stopping", I am however encouraging those who self injure to not lie to themselves.