Recently I've noticed something about my self injury. Not only am I doing it more and more but I'm struggling with whether or not I'm ready to stop. I understand it's unsafe, unhealthy, and not a great way to cope with emotions. I find something within self injury and within my bipolar disorder. I've become so used to bad moods, self injury, isolation, and panic attacks that it brings a sense of familiarity. As humans we naturally turn towards what is familiar to us, things we can trust. I know self injury will give me some form of relief and without it I have an intense fear of losing control, of feeling good and then sabotaging myself.
Today during therapy my doctor told me that from what he's seen of me lately, I'm not ready to stop. Until I'm ready I need to stop trying to cover things up by lying to myself and others that I'm stopping. I know I need to stop but at the moment I'm not ready to want to stop but in all honesty I'd rather feel that way instead of living in a false reality. I'm not in any way encouraging "not stopping", I am however encouraging those who self injure to not lie to themselves.
To Jodie Jenkins, I accidentally deleted your comment and I apologize for that. I agree with you 100%. Accidents happen, everyone slips up and I'm saying that's okay. What I meant was, we all slip up whether it be self injury related or something else and while we need to be aware of such things it can help to not guilt trip yourself. It's always important to be aware of your actions and your personal safety. But when you're not ready to stop it can help to not feel as much weight on your shoulders knowing you gave in. It's just a thought I guess, something that's helped me.
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