A little quote I made for you :)

There's no shame in telling your story, even if its not always a happy one. There are many blank pages left to change the plot and the characters and the ending. All you have to do is move the pen...

So please write, all of you. Tell your friends to write, everyone should be heard because everyone has one.

-Emily

Mini Series

Hey everyone!

I hope all is well and I have a few things to throw out there for you.

I would like to try to create a mini-series type of thing but I can only do it if I can get an actual group  of people. Some things to mention: Your name and age will be completely confidential, I can use a fake name or initials, whatever you prefer. You can send everything to my aol email and if your name is in your email address or something please know I only use it to find you in my inbox and that's it. As far as what to say (if you're interested) you can think of the following questions and add anything else you like. There's no deadline and as I said before it's not set in stone yet so I'll let everyone know if it's going to happen or not. These are in no specific order so feel free to combine then or move them around. I know there are a lot of questions here so you can read through them and work from that. I'd like this to be a "story" rather than an interview and basically this is your story told through your eyes. Not a doctors, not your family or friends, but through YOUR eyes so make your story special. If you don't like some of the questions or don't feel comfortable with some then change it! It's your turn so give it a shot...
egregorek729@aol.com

Where are you at in the recovery process? (if you aren't recovering you can still participate, just keep it positive and non triggering)

How long have you self injured?

What types do you engage in? (all are welcome to discuss not just cutting)

Do you have a support system and who  is it?

If you are in treatment for SI what kinds have you tried or use? (medication, therapy, holistic medicines, etc)

Mental illnesses?

Why do you self injure?

What works to lessen the amount/severity?

What doesn't work?

What are your triggers?

Have you ever stopped entirely? (If you have stopped and restarted or if you've stopped entirely or anything in between)

If you still self injure do you want to stop? Or are you not ready yet?

If you could say anything to fellow self injurer whether they're just beginning, scared to ask for help, or just  another self injurer like yourself what would you say to them? Anything.

New things

I apologize for being gone so long. School has taken over but I'm going to try to update this once a week from now on, maybe more if I get some time. So far this semester is incredibly busy but I have a new roommate who is amazing I love her to death, I'm taking classes that I actually like, and I sort of have a boyfriend who is incredible and supportive and he helps me celebrate the little achievements I make.

So first off I would like to possibly start a mini series of people's experiences so if you're interested please email me at egregorek729@aol.com I've tried to email some of you back and it hasn't worked so please try this account instead.

Now, since I got a new roommate I told her right away that I'm bipolar. She said it was fine and that she was there for me if I ever needed to talk. She knew a little about my self injury from what I shared and I thought she was okay with it because I told her that I did it safely and not to worry too much about it and she agreed. In the past week I've been going through a rather lengthy bipolar episode and my self injury went sky  high. It's been mood swings and cutting for days now. One day during the week I texted a friend on campus and asked him to come take away everything sharp from my room and of course immediately after I panicked and found other resources though I am getting rid of them today and trying hard not to go get more.

Classes are going well however I have a project that can be slightly triggering at times but I limit the work to day time usually for that reason. My topic is Youtube as a Community for Self Injuring Teenagers. So its obvious that this is hard for me. I'm not focusing on the positive or negative effects. Instead I'm focusing on the community that users have built for communicating to each other about self injury. So far it's tough but I'm sticking to it.

I'm happy to be back on here and please let me know if anyone would like to contribute to a mini series type of thing. All ages, genders, types of self injury (not just cutting), and if you're on here not as a self injurer but as a friend or family member of one you can also share your experiences!

Frozen in motion

I've been slacking on my blog lately and I apologize. I hope you're all well and healthy and safe. I was hoping that over winter break I'd have time to think and work out some of my problems with my self injury. Unfortunately it's progressed and gotten worse. It's consuming my life to the point where I can't sleep or really function without doing it every day. I'm trying to move forward but like many things in life that isn't an easy task. Every day I'm trying to fight it and there are times where I'm not ready to move on and quit however I'm hoping those times may decrease. My grandfather is suffering from heart problems and has made the choice to aim for a surgery to lengthen his life a few more years so that is a stress that will be lingering but I'm hoping for the best. Going back to school on Tuesday will present yet another obstacle to face but I think I have the strength to make it. I'm pretty sure I have a new roommate, a new start. For anyone out there who feels as if they are stuck in a rut or frozen in motion please know I'm here if you need me, its okay to ask for help, we all go through it, and please please never forget that you are stronger than you think. Stay safe everyone.
-Emily

An Inspirational Present

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone! I hope you're doing well and relaxing a bit before heading back to work or school. Tonight I wanted to share a present I received. A few days ago I knew what the majority of my presents were simply because I'm good at guessing. When I thought I was done unwrapping I found two small packages. I opened them and when I saw what was inside tears formed in my eyes but I quickly wiped them away. The first box held a beautiful silver bracelet with a heart charm. Engraved on it was the word "Stop". The other box held a black bracelet with small beads and a heart charm that says "You don't have to". These are two things I would write on the rubber bands I wore to distract me from my self injury. What I loved the most was that my parents remembered how important those rubber bands were to me. Now I have two beautiful long lasting reminders to help me get through some of the tough moments I face. It won't cure me of it but it'll help me get there. Please have a safe and healthy holiday. Think not only of yourself but others. Give to those in need. Comfort those in distress. And spend time with those you love and care for.

It's okay to not be ready

Recently I've noticed something about my self injury. Not only am I doing it more and more but I'm struggling with whether or not I'm ready to stop. I understand it's unsafe, unhealthy, and not a great way to cope with emotions. I find something within self injury and within my bipolar disorder. I've become so used to bad moods, self injury, isolation, and panic attacks that it brings a sense of familiarity. As humans we naturally turn towards what is familiar to us, things we can trust. I know self injury will give me some form of relief and without it I have an intense fear of losing control, of feeling good and then sabotaging myself.
Today during therapy my doctor told me that from what he's seen of me lately, I'm not ready to stop. Until I'm ready I need to stop trying to cover things up by lying to myself and others that I'm stopping. I know I need to stop but at the moment I'm not ready to want to stop but in all honesty I'd rather feel that way instead of living in a false reality. I'm not in any way encouraging "not stopping", I am however encouraging those who self injure to not lie to themselves.

A Reason To Stop

I've found a new reason to stop. Recently I've started talking to a new "friend". One day it might be a relationship but right now it's a friendship that I don't want to break. He knows I'm bipolar and he knows that I'm working on stopping my self injury. When I told him about the self injury I told him it wasn't a big deal and that I'm trying to stop. His reaction was not one I've come across before. He immediately said "This is a very big deal but thank you for not sugar coating it". He explained to me that he had bad experiences with friends who self injured but that he also didn't understand self injury. I gave him a quick crash course in what it meant to me and what my situation is. He was rather upset with the fact that I do it but he was happy that I'm aware of the fact that its not a good thing to do and that I'm stopping. So I've decided that if I want to keep a friendship or relationship with this person I'm going to have to work really hard to stop cutting.

I know this is a pretty specific situation but I know a lot of people have probably had a somewhat similar problem. When you meet new people, spilling your guts usually isn't the best hello you can give them. I took my time in telling him so I wouldn't scare him away, but I had to tell him before he found out on his own. My best advice is, if the person cares about you in any way they will accept the fact that you have a mental disorder or that you self injure but only tell them when you're ready. You have to be comfortable with yourself before being comfortable with someone else.